Today 8.29.22 8pm
Phone Call 8.29.22 12pm
I got the sense, by you asking me if I don’t trust apple as a whole, or something more specific, and when we discussed confabulation, some doubt, and I understand your doubt, without knowing hours and hours of history, you couldn’t not have doubt.
I want to be clear, I have spent copious amounts of time in deep meditation, a practice I cultivated starting in 2006. I have questioned everything about me. All my past choices, behaviors, and relationships, both personal and professional, as I have done before, and will do again, and I am confident, as I always have been, and known since birth, I am a very kind, loving, good, and decent human with a huge desire to heal and love others.
Have I made made some poor choices, and had a few bad judgment calls, because of my own seldom triggered trauma responses, fawning, fleeing, or freezing, and emotional reactions, and/or lack of understanding, or other various reasons, absolutely. I am happy to answer for all of my choices. I have not violated my ethics, nor my former clients (in any way that I am aware of, or that has been brought to my attention), and have kept true to above all else, “Do No Harm,” (clause: always from my current and ever-expanding, deepening, operational, and psychological frame of reference, both personally and professionally).
I have never hidden, nor denied my PTSD, ADHD (previously diagnosed as depression), and have accepted accountability and responsibility for ALL feelings that I have caused in former clients, and my personal life, to the best of my ability, and when emotionally safe, for either party, to do so.
I am also very nieve in many ways, which I’m not sure most people understand. I am a survivor through and through. I have not made it this far, and under such traumatic, adverse, and horrific circumstances, by being a shitty person; I’ve made it this far (80%) ONLY because of God and his team, kind people, mostly my clients, providers, some elementary school kids, few friends, AND my pure intentions. The other 20% include my education in all forms.
I have never had any desire to internationally hurt anyone. Rape Trauma Syndrome, and undiagnosed ADHD and PTSD, were the cause of my blind, unintentional emotional harm to others. Any physical harm to others in my past was self-defense, except in 7th grade where I gave into peer pressure and fought my friend Tara at a party. I didn’t know name calling and hitting were abuse, yet I always knew, from a very young age, the sexual abuse I experienced as a child never felt right, yet I still love my childhood abusers. I never have perpetrated on anyone, nor have I ever wanted to, nor have I ever felt a sexual attraction to a child.
I am no saint. Almost two decades ago now, I used to be challenged, and suffer from mental Illness, as deemed by the medical community. Seems to me, as a well informed person on trauma, and former professional, and well-, this is where the medical community severely fails, through no Ill intent from 98% of professionals.
Starting October 2021, I heartbreakingly learned, and continue to learn, more than I ever wanted to learn, nor could know, that there are people masquerading as professionals, albeit very few, they do exist. I consider “masquerading” as having I’ll intent, “dressed” as of pure intent. I believe 98% of humans and professionals, are not acting out of Ill intent, but rather learned survival behaviors… learning how to get very valid needs met, through ineffective, learned means. I digress.
Our medical system fails because of lack of time and resources, due to tonic ignorance of most, greed of very few, and a lack of continued mandatory self- exploration with a counselor/healer, for all medical, legal, and political, licensed professionals. This as lack of self-awareness, makes it difficult for anyone to truly relate and empathize, when their is a lack of cultural, socio-economic, familial, psychological, and trauma, diverse frames of reference,, “lenses,” if you will, amongst medically and legally licensed professionals. At times. these lack of frames of reference, can, and do, cause unintentional discrimination, bias, and harm.
Most of us severe Trauma Survivors (due to chronicity, type, and frequency), do not make it out of the political slave systems of poverty, learned isms (racism, ableism, narcissism, hedonism, to name a few), institutions (both legal medical, at at times pharmacological), familial, or personal. So rather than take the time to understand what is causing an “illness,” a majority of the medical system, are forced to just diagnose, treat, possibly prescribe (depending on insurance and socio-economic status at times), and terminate. This system is a band aid.
Connection, fostered through time, is what heals. Time is necessary for true understanding, and understanding is necessary for connection, and connection is necessary for healing.
This is where my blue-collar grit, albeit at times self-destructive (toxic), at times necessary (tonic), (determined through level of awareness versus blindness), pursuit of justice, truth, liberty, and freedom, AND my former white-collar, professional, medical system have apparently clashed. I am coming to recognize this more and more. Seems I have angered the local pharmaceutical mill.
I am a healer at my core, dressed as a professional. I know how to be a human, 98% of us do, whatever system we are born into, is the system we blindly imitate. Overcoming my innate learned system, recognizing my dysfunction, and fully recovering my core, took a lot of time and work, as well as the supports I previously mentioned. I am amazed that I have OVERCOME as intact as I did , both psychologically and physically so.
Yes, I was a deeply traumatized person, yes I turned to toxic use of substances in my past (recovery and healing began in 2006.) 2008 Therapy, Wellbutrin, holistic self-study of The Narcissistic Family System, and Moderation Management, after a period of complete abstinence, is how I overcame my toxic addictions, aka survival behaviors. Since 2010, I have considered myself fully healed from toxic addictions, after successfully navigating moderation management for two years. Have I at times chosen to responsibly over-indulge, yes, typically only on vacations, and responsibly so.
I say all this to say, I am fairly certain that anyone being faced with the multiple, and devastating traumas that I have since 12.22.20, while navigating a global trauma as a front line worker, (who never closed my office, because of my strong belief, passion, and value, I feel counseling offers to others), and being a productive, healing, citizen, well, we would be privy to seeing them at their worst at times too.
To come to believe, for the first time in my life, that I was valued, loved, cared for, and protected by my community, so much so, that I took a huge leap of faith to fully place my trust in another, outside of my clients, and expose myself, and my past, in the pursuit of justice, only then to experience Chronic and INTENTIONAL (not all of it) shunning, gaslighting, isolation, refusal of civil services, false civil charges, and chronic pain, all while having to watch everything I’ve worked for be lost, while grieving the loss of my client connections… There are no words to describe the agony this level of intentional cognitive dissonance, and betrayal, has caused.
Since severing my deltoid ligament in 12/22/2020, I have been grieving the loss of my health, physical mobility, normalcy, routine, coping mechanisms, outside communication, ability to see my providers, sense of safety and trust, reputation of reliability, dependability, and consistency, professional identity, loss of clients/friends, income, and ability to pay bills.
In two years I have not walked my dogs, been able to exercise, nor establish a new personal sense of “temporary normalcy.” Since making my licenses inactive, due to the aforementioned collective traumas, and some others I’m not ready to speak about, I am in jeopardy of losing my purpose, my home and office. I can’t imagine anyone experiencing all this, not feeling distrustful, suspicious, deeply confused, hurt, heartbroken, sad, desperate, angry, and fearful. Feelings are OUR personal brand, unique identifier if you will. They are what make us human.
To not feel is to be programmed/robotic, severely disillusioned, aka, mental illness. To eradicate another’s ability to feel, and express said feelings, is to rob one of the opportunity to be their self, and a missed opportunity for others to get to know them. Our American Political, Educational, Medical, Legal, Judicial, Familial, and Personal systems are imploding, violence is rising, people are generally not mentally and physically well….you wanna know why?? No time, freedom, or knowledge to feel!! To not be able to feel is to be in SURVIVAL MODE!
I have consistently remained kind (possibly mixed with some snarky or intensity, or both, and all of these most def can and do co-exist with kindness. Kindness to who?), faithful, and hopeful. Remember, I fully know I am no saint. Since beginning my journey of health, rather than destruction, almost two decades ago, NEVER claimed to be, never will. None of us humans are, that’s why we are humans. I guess when we’ve endured enough pain and suffering, we become Heaven Angels!
Most WOULD’VE BROKEN. I am being RENDERED DISABLED, as I am not personally disabled. Exhausted, burned-out, and suffering, yes. I have been RENDERED disabled by circumstances, apparently beyond mine, and, the legal and protective personnel’s capabilities.
Knowing there are folks in both my personal, and former professional life, intentionally trying to harm me, and by proxy those I love… I ask why? For what? Evil is intentionally hurting and setting someone up. How do you know you are a psychopath? When you plot and plan a person’s demise, AND go through with it!!
Taking away someone’s online capabilities, and violating every area of their life, without that person having the ability to defend themselves… is a new type of murder, a VERY LEGAL one at that, and one that I imagine is one of the most painful, as it is psychological warfare. Gaslighting and isolation. The literal recipe to drive someone insane. Since making my licenses inactive, again, due to being rendered disabled, I have struggled greatly to eat, sleep, and function.
I now fully recognize, my cognitive distortion through over generalization, and childish belief in the American legal, medical, pharmaceutical, political, and judicial systems. Ignorance is blind bliss.
I have been soul-murdered (not all intentional) on many levels since birth, none so much as robbing me of my purpose and connection to my clients and profession. Excuse my vulgarity… it’s like being a helpless child f**** again, and again, and again, nobody “can” help. It’s beyond their power. Beyond their scope. Beyond their capabilities. And coupled with lots of doubt, skepticism, and disbeliefs
Multiple professionals have asked me why others had access to my home, yet me no access to theirs. My landlord and his family have been good to me. Although my basement is my basement, and NOT a shared common area, my best guess is, he didn’t have a dual lock because he trusted his best friend, and then his friend’s girlfriend’s family… by no means do I think he meant any harm. He and I are both trusting, kind, good people, who would not intentionally violate someone’s privacy and home. I don’t want this being turned on to them. They should not be punished for helping people out, and those people (whoever they are), exploiting theirs, mine, and other’s trust.
What continues to anger, hurt, weigh heavy on my heart, emotions, and mind, is not the intentional hurts caused to me by whoever/whatever responsible for the rendering of me disabled on many levels, and by many means, but rather the hurt they caused to humans counting on me. WE spent years building our relationships and foundations. I fully trust that those professional relationships born of structure (those that began services with me dressed and not masquerading as clients), will thrive again. Whoever responsible, including local agencies, and authorities, please know, by disabling me, not helping me, not meeting with me, not investigating, lying, and trying to purposefully entrap, and set me up, you have hurt many innocent people, by making it impossible for me NOT to abandon them. Hurting me is one thing, those that rely on me, (I retract my prior judgemental part’s judgement), I pray for all of you!
My feelings are my guides. While feelings may not be facts, they do give me the information I need to make informed decisions about the people I choose to keep in my life, both personally and professionally.
As a child, my uncomfortablness around others was not honored, nor protected. My “senses” not only denied, but rather, pathologized. Therefore, I learned not to honor or protect myself when feeling uncomfortable, nor to trust my senses, making it impossible for me to feel safe, or know peace, until I recognized the path of self- awareness, as since the day we are born human, we are always being directed consistently to this path. To me, and for me, this is the path where life began.
My feelings are parts of me, recycled from long ago. I can sense others intentions, by the frequency of consistent feelings and behaviors they trigger in me.
Know thyself- The greatest gift of my collective traumas is the opportunity, through mastery of self, to truly know thy self. This is tough when in great physical and psychological shape, and becomes tougher (yet still an opportunity), with each handicap, whether permanent or temporary, physical or one/all of the psychological components. To have been handicapped on so many levels at once, is not natural, but rather by design, and certainly not mine (which should go without saying, however with all that I have seen, witnessed, and experienced as of late, I’m guessing it’s best I clarify).
GOD and his team ALWAYS prosper. Watch and see! I have 100% faith all things will be exposed. I feel and sense many things, most I don’t speak about. Sensing- claircognizance is one of my superpowers! Spiritual, 222%, medically “insane” no, but for some, me being deemed this, seems there would be great advantage, but not for the collective greater good, only a few! Those 2% I don’t speak of, yet see!
THIS IS A PERSONAL BLOG. Not a professional one.
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