Rendered Disabled…12.20.2022

Today 8.29.22 8pm

Phone Call 8.29.22 12pm

Dear Detective-

I got the sense, by you asking me if I don’t trust apple as a whole, or something more specific, and when we discussed confabulation, some doubt, and I understand your doubt, without knowing hours and hours  of history, you couldn’t not have doubt. 

I want to be clear, I have spent copious amounts of time in deep meditation, a practice I cultivated starting in 2006. I have questioned everything about me. All my past choices, behaviors, and relationships, both personal and professional, as I have done before, and will do again, and I am confident, as I always have been, and known since birth, I am a very kind, loving, good, and decent human with a huge desire to heal and love others.  

Have I made made some poor choices, and had a few bad judgment calls, because of my own seldom triggered trauma responses, fawning, fleeing, or freezing, and emotional reactions, and/or lack of understanding, or other various reasons, absolutely. I am happy to answer for all of my choices. I have not violated my ethics, nor my former clients (in any way that I am aware of, or that has been brought to my attention), and have kept true to above all else, “Do No Harm,” (clause: always from my current and ever-expanding, deepening, operational, and psychological frame of reference, both personally and professionally).

I have never hidden, nor denied my PTSD, ADHD (previously diagnosed as depression), and have accepted accountability and responsibility for ALL feelings that I have caused in former clients, and my personal life, to the best of my ability, and when emotionally safe, for either party, to do so. 

I am also very nieve in many ways, which I’m not sure most people understand. I am a survivor through and through. I have not made it this far, and under such traumatic, adverse, and horrific circumstances, by being a shitty person; I’ve made it this far (80%) ONLY because of God and his team, kind people, mostly my clients, providers, some elementary school kids, few friends, AND my pure intentions. The other 20% include my education in all forms. 

I have never had any desire to internationally hurt anyone.  Rape Trauma Syndrome, and undiagnosed ADHD and PTSD, were the cause of my blind, unintentional emotional harm to others. Any physical harm to others in my past was self-defense, except in 7th grade where I gave into peer pressure and fought my friend Tara at a party. I didn’t know name calling and hitting were abuse, yet I always knew, from a very young age, the sexual abuse I experienced as a child never felt right, yet I still love my childhood abusers. I never have perpetrated on anyone, nor have I ever wanted to, nor have I ever felt a sexual attraction to a child. 

I am no saint. Almost two decades ago now, I used to be challenged, and suffer from mental Illness, as deemed by the medical community. Seems to me, as a well informed person on trauma, and former professional, and well-, this is where the medical community severely fails, through no Ill intent from 98% of professionals.

Starting October 2021, I heartbreakingly learned, and continue to learn, more than I ever wanted to learn, nor could know, that there are people masquerading as professionals, albeit very few, they do exist. I consider “masquerading” as having I’ll intent, “dressed” as of pure intent. I believe 98% of humans  and professionals, are not acting out of Ill intent,  but rather learned survival behaviors… learning how to get very valid needs met, through ineffective, learned means. I digress. 

Our medical system fails because of lack of time and resources, due to tonic ignorance of most, greed of very few, and a lack of continued mandatory self- exploration with a counselor/healer, for all medical, legal, and political, licensed professionals. This as lack of self-awareness, makes it difficult for anyone to truly relate and empathize, when their is a lack of cultural, socio-economic, familial, psychological, and trauma, diverse frames of reference,, “lenses,” if you will, amongst medically and legally licensed professionals. At times. these lack of frames of reference, can, and do, cause unintentional discrimination, bias, and harm.

Most of us severe Trauma Survivors (due to chronicity, type, and frequency), do not make it out of the political slave systems of poverty, learned isms (racism, ableism, narcissism, hedonism, to name a few), institutions (both legal medical, at at times pharmacological), familial, or personal. So rather than take the time to understand what is causing an “illness,” a majority of the medical system, are forced to just diagnose, treat, possibly prescribe (depending on insurance and socio-economic status at times), and terminate. This system is a band aid.

Connection, fostered through time, is what heals. Time is necessary for true understanding, and understanding is necessary for connection, and connection is necessary for healing. 

This is where my blue-collar grit, albeit at times self-destructive (toxic), at times necessary (tonic), (determined through level of awareness versus blindness), pursuit of justice, truth, liberty, and freedom, AND my former white-collar, professional, medical system have apparently clashed. I am coming to recognize this more and more.  Seems I have angered the local pharmaceutical mill.

I am a healer at my core, dressed as a professional. I know how to be a human, 98% of us do, whatever system we are born into, is the system we blindly imitate. Overcoming my innate learned system, recognizing my dysfunction, and fully recovering my core, took a lot of time and work, as well as the supports I previously mentioned. I am amazed that I have OVERCOME as intact as I did , both psychologically and physically so. 

Yes, I was a deeply traumatized person, yes I turned to toxic use of substances in my past (recovery and healing began in 2006.) 2008 Therapy, Wellbutrin, holistic self-study of The Narcissistic Family System, and Moderation Management, after a period of complete abstinence, is how I overcame my toxic addictions, aka survival behaviors. Since 2010, I have considered myself fully healed from toxic addictions, after successfully navigating moderation management for two years. Have I at times chosen to responsibly over-indulge, yes, typically only on vacations, and responsibly so. 

I say all this to say, I am fairly certain that anyone being faced with the multiple, and devastating traumas that I have since 12.22.20, while navigating a global trauma as a front line worker, (who never closed my office, because of my strong belief, passion, and value, I feel counseling offers to others), and being a productive, healing, citizen, well, we would be privy to seeing them at their worst at times too.

To come to believe, for the first time in my life, that I was valued, loved, cared for, and protected by my community, so much so, that I took a huge leap of faith to fully place my trust in another, outside of my clients, and expose myself, and my past, in the pursuit of justice, only then to experience Chronic and INTENTIONAL (not all of it) shunning, gaslighting, isolation, refusal of civil services, false civil charges, and chronic pain, all while having to watch everything I’ve worked for be lost, while grieving the loss of my client connections… There are no words to describe the agony this level of intentional cognitive dissonance, and betrayal, has caused.

Since severing my deltoid ligament in 12/22/2020, I have been grieving the loss of my health, physical mobility, normalcy, routine, coping mechanisms, outside communication, ability to see my providers, sense of safety and trust, reputation of reliability, dependability, and consistency, professional identity, loss of clients/friends, income, and ability to pay bills.

In two years I have not walked my dogs, been able to exercise, nor establish a new personal sense of “temporary normalcy.” Since making my licenses inactive, due to the aforementioned collective traumas, and some others I’m not ready to speak about, I am in jeopardy of losing my purpose, my home and office. I can’t imagine anyone experiencing all this, not feeling distrustful, suspicious, deeply confused, hurt, heartbroken, sad, desperate, angry, and fearful. Feelings are OUR personal brand, unique identifier if you will. They are what make us human.

To not feel is to be programmed/robotic, severely disillusioned, aka, mental illness. To eradicate another’s ability to feel, and express said feelings, is to rob one of the opportunity to be their self, and a missed opportunity for others to get to know them. Our American Political, Educational, Medical, Legal, Judicial, Familial, and Personal systems are imploding, violence is rising, people are generally not mentally and physically well….you wanna know why?? No time, freedom, or knowledge to feel!! To not be able to feel is to be in SURVIVAL MODE!

I have consistently remained kind (possibly mixed with some snarky or intensity, or both, and all of these most def can and do co-exist with kindness. Kindness to who?), faithful, and hopeful. Remember, I fully know I am no saint. Since beginning my journey of health, rather than destruction, almost two decades ago, NEVER claimed to be, never will. None of us humans are, that’s why we are humans. I guess when we’ve endured enough pain and suffering, we become Heaven Angels!

Most WOULD’VE BROKEN. I am being RENDERED DISABLED, as I am not personally disabled. Exhausted, burned-out, and suffering, yes.  I have been RENDERED disabled by circumstances, apparently beyond mine, and, the legal and protective personnel’s capabilities.

Knowing there are folks in both my personal, and former professional life, intentionally trying to harm me, and by proxy those I love… I ask why? For what? Evil is intentionally hurting and setting someone up. How do you know you are a psychopath? When you plot and plan a person’s demise, AND go through with it!!

Taking away someone’s online capabilities, and violating every area of their life, without that person having the ability to defend themselves… is a new type of murder, a VERY LEGAL one at that, and one that I imagine is one of the most painful, as it is psychological warfare. Gaslighting and isolation. The literal recipe to drive someone insane. Since making my licenses inactive, again, due to being rendered disabled, I have struggled greatly to eat, sleep, and function.

I now fully recognize, my cognitive distortion through over generalization, and childish belief in the American legal, medical, pharmaceutical, political, and judicial systems. Ignorance is blind bliss.  

I have been soul-murdered (not all intentional) on many levels since birth, none so much as robbing me of my purpose and connection to my clients and profession. Excuse my vulgarity… it’s like being a helpless child f**** again, and again, and again, nobody “can” help. It’s beyond their power. Beyond their scope. Beyond their capabilities. And coupled with lots of doubt, skepticism, and disbeliefs

Multiple professionals have asked me why others had access to my home, yet me no access to theirs. My landlord and his family have been good to me. Although my basement is my basement, and NOT a shared common area, my best guess is, he didn’t have a dual lock because he trusted his best friend, and then his friend’s girlfriend’s family… by no means do I think he meant any harm. He and I are both trusting, kind, good people, who would not intentionally violate someone’s privacy and home.  I don’t want this being turned on to them. They should not be punished for helping people out, and those people (whoever they are), exploiting theirs, mine, and other’s trust.

What continues to anger, hurt, weigh heavy on my heart, emotions, and mind, is not the intentional hurts caused to me by whoever/whatever responsible for the rendering of me disabled on many levels, and by many means, but rather the hurt they caused to humans counting on me. WE spent years building our relationships and foundations. I fully trust that those professional relationships born of structure (those that began services with me dressed and not masquerading as clients), will thrive again. Whoever responsible, including local agencies, and authorities, please know, by disabling me, not helping me, not meeting with me, not investigating, lying, and trying to purposefully entrap, and set me up, you have hurt many innocent people, by making it impossible for me NOT to abandon them. Hurting me is one thing, those that rely on me, (I retract my prior judgemental part’s judgement), I pray for all of you!

My feelings are my guides. While feelings may not be facts, they do give me the information I need to make informed decisions about the people I choose to keep in my life, both personally and professionally.

As a child, my uncomfortablness around others was not honored, nor protected. My “senses” not only denied, but rather, pathologized. Therefore, I learned not to honor or protect myself when feeling uncomfortable, nor to trust my senses, making it impossible for me to feel safe, or know peace, until I recognized the path of self- awareness, as since the day we are born human, we are always being directed consistently to this path. To me, and for me, this is the path where life began.

My feelings are parts of me, recycled from long ago. I can sense others intentions, by the frequency of consistent feelings and behaviors they trigger in me.

Know thyself- The greatest gift of my collective traumas is the opportunity, through mastery of self, to truly know thy self. This is tough when in great physical and psychological shape, and becomes tougher (yet still an opportunity), with each handicap, whether permanent or temporary, physical or one/all of the psychological components. To have been handicapped on so many levels at once, is not natural, but rather by design, and certainly not mine (which should go without saying, however with all that I have seen, witnessed, and experienced as of late, I’m guessing it’s best I clarify).

GOD and his team ALWAYS prosper. Watch and see! I have 100% faith all things will be exposed. I feel and sense many things, most I don’t speak about. Sensing- claircognizance is one of my superpowers! Spiritual, 222%, medically “insane” no, but for some, me being deemed this, seems there would be great advantage, but not for the collective greater good, only a few! Those 2% I don’t speak of, yet see!

 

THIS IS A PERSONAL BLOG. Not a professional one.

Published by HealerCC

Beautiful work. Kind People. Service Mission Driven, not profit, what more could you ask for?? Passion for creating opportunities for other to feel, all feelings, tonic, toxic, and all the shades of gray in between. Mission in life as a human; to serve, maintain and instill hope, AND, to create, through divinely supplied introductions and conflicts that lead to mutual growth, as many emotionally safe environments, connections, experiences, and people as God guides me to. I am a healer. That is my God given gift, that is how I know my practice, former professional licenses, former clients, and myself are protected. For me personally, and formerly professionally, it is folks and missions, that operate on hope and faith, while remaining true to their core values, and service to God above all else, that restore my faith and humanity, especially during times where circumstances, and/or unseen forces, work extra hard to nefariously destroy great, albeit imperfect, (as all self-aware, organizations and people know and admit too.) organizations rooted in structure, faith and healing, rather than the very outdated medical, pharmacological, legal, and judicial systems designed for profit, and financial gain for few, at the demise of many. Seems to me, ever since insurance companies started dictating what doctors, (listed in order of importance), who are the ones that used to be able to get know, and for all intent purposes based on current medical model, do know their patients best, AND are the professionals, that used to be able to prescribe the medication they thought best. Now with insurance companies, driven by profit and not care, dictating prescribing practices, which by the way, certainly does not follow the Hippocratic oath, Homicide, Suicide, Overdoes, Violence, Imprisonment, Divide, and Disconnection (to name a few) are all on the rise. As a person who has overcome "mental illness," aka, learned and blindly imitated, chronic, and adaptive behaviors, reactions, emotions, routines, thought patterns and feelings, necessary to NOT die, and repeatedly utilized to survive, prior to development of abstract thinking, I can tell you, ""Mental "Illness," IS merely our body's final attempt to alert one personally, and broadcast to caring others, that one is either currently, and/or has in the past, been victimized by trauma. Knowing and understanding the Intentionality and reasons, and whomever/whatever responsible taking full, genuinely felt accountability and responsibility, the "cure" aka, catalyst for self-healing!"" ©KO. I AM, among many things, and parts (dictated by the behaviors and actions of those around me, and the environment I'm in), A very intuitive Trauma Kid dressed as adult. This is the "gift" if you will, well, at least for me, when you are consistently exposed to severe abuse as a child, especially between birth and 7 years of age, while never knowing almost zero psychological or physical safety. The foundation to connect safely and genuinely with others happens in two ways as I have learned personally. One you grew up "psychologically privileged©," meaning you had at least one, primary, consistent, reliable, safe connection to a caretaker, that was able to comfortably provide and meet, without having to work three jobs, all of your primary, psychological, physical, material, and connection needs, or two, you found your way to an objective third parties, or party, as an adult that was able to help you "see" your learned, often repeated (except in cases of sexual abuse, key word being often. Most that were physically or psychologically abused blindly repeat the abuse to themself and others. A good bit of Children, that were victim to early childhood sexual abuse (depending on type, who, and chronicity), do NOT go on to repeat these behaviors. I can tell you, personally speaking, those feelings, the adults that perpetrated on caused me to feel, mostly after, not during, as most of my abusers were known adults that I still love, I never would, or could, intentionally do that to someone. Gratefully, I have never had a sexual attraction to a child, nor ANY desire to EVER perpetrate for that matter. I know medication both personally and professionally, I feel comfortable pointing out the obvious connection...AMERICA, WE DID NOT have school shootings when doctors had their rightful power to make medical and pharmacological, decisions for their patients.Prior to this, we also had connection, time, patience, caring, and grace for one another. As a former pharmacologically injured person, from both the manual flu delivery, and years of anti-depressants, I am so grateful my doc finally recognized my ADHD and fought for me! Alas, I digress again. God, triumphs and prospers, all those humans and systems rooted in him. We Christians may not all agree on bodily autonomy issues, but no two people are going to agree on ALL medical, legal, political, religious, financial, and/or judicial issues. These issues are the test of your true faith to God. My Spiritual God does not endorse acting (not feeling), intentionally on hate, vengefulness, spite, or engineered entrapment. Looking forward to supporting humanity and humane organizations, born of structure, for decades to come! I chose New Jersey as my home state because of those I love, and was blessed, grateful, and fortunate to work with, until I was purposefully rendered disabled on many levels. When one is rendered disabled on many levels at once, that's how one can almost be sure, there are forces designed of system (Toxic Intent), not structure (Tonic Intent), at play. I say "play" because I learned most systems are playing, meaning they learned from a young age, due to trauma, to value acquisition of, and connection to, things, rather than people. Those from psychological privilege, learn to value and maintain connections to people, not things. This one component is necessary for a psychologically, relationally, successful life. Some define a successful person as one that has has acquired acquisition of numerous material things, while others define a successful human person as one that has fostered and maintained connections to people, while having little desire for numerous material things. I have learned the materially successful world is rigged, just like my eyes have been heartbreakingly opened to so many rigged systems. Those few in high power, and of great wealth, privatize and monetize, healing and punishment, under the pretense of the "American" Medical, Judicial and Legal System!! Let me tell ya, this isn't the America I know and believe in. African Americans, very sadly, terribly, and heartbreakingly so, were the guinea pigs for how to cripple America's infrastructure. They endured unfathomable abuse, the likes of which, (while I can relate to being abused) I can never fully understand, as I didn't experience that form, of abuse, let alone, consistent, nefariously designed, collective level of brainwashing and gaslighting. I was made to believe, through years of childhood abuse and brainwashing, that being blonde, tall, green-eyed, slender, and attractive, that everyone would automatically hate me, set up, betray, slander, hurt, use, and try to kill me because of it. I watched as my younger sisters, especially my youngest, were severely emotionally shamed for wanting to eat carbs/unhealthy foods, and god forbid past a certain time. At my 40th birthday I was publicly shamed for wanting another piece of birthday cake. And now I'm exhausted and done for the day. To be continued....Sorry to stop abruptly, and not edit my work. I publish, then edit... I believe in letting others witness and know my process and imperfections. As all those that strive to consistently act Christ like, know, seen, and believe...Evil is not match for God and his Team, both here on earth, and in heaven! God Prospers People, people don't prosper people! Opportunities from The Day That Led to The Creation of Today's Blog Post: Woke up coughing and sick this morning which made me have to cancel my doctor's appointment with my orthopedic, that I have been desperately looking forward to for two weeks, as the chronic pain and chronic immobility is taking a toll on me. Text exchange with personal landlord. Rent, Utilities, Cyber, Court, PTSD, Electrician being here yesterday and internet going crazy. Couldn't do the number calculations he wanted me to do due to being sick and exhausted. CARES ACT calling to help me as I maintained employment mostly the whole pandemic, despite severing my right deltoid ligament: 18665254855 Phone call I've been trying to accomplish for weeks about by one credit card account. Found out upsetting information about credit history. Texts from a couple former clients expressing their well wishes and concern. I HATE not being able to connect, and truthfully, I really do need time to heal. It makes me question all those I have told, especially my former professional connections, that I am disabled, struggling greatly, and unable to work, due to nefarious forces, whatever/whoever they may be, purposefully rendering me disabled, that still reach out, and try to get me to engage with them professionally, knowing that my licenses are inactive. This feels like entrapment to me. This feeling and doubt, which was never there previously, and if it ever was, it was able to be communicated about, hurts me deeply. I am not talking about the former professional affiliations that reach out with extenuating circumstances, and apologize profusely for doing so, while expressing genuine concern for me, but those that have reached out for things they have done in the past for themselves, and told me about, without my help. Processing flashbacks and memories from exchange with electrician, frog bathing suit, swept away by current, almost drowning, tire swing not being secured, and me, as the child being guinea pig, possible twin in ocean (doesn't need to make sense to anyone but me now, no energy to explain), R & D Lesson,

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: