Hi Kristina here, owner of Doors Of Growth, and Former Therapist. FIRST, please know I am so grateful for ALL my former clients and their years of support and love. Since 12.22.20, Doors of Growth has been going through some traumatic growing pains, due to a slip and fall that severed my right ankle deltoid ligament, and triggered a flood of memories.
This first injury was the start of me being rendered disabled. Let me explain.
As a survivor of severe physical and psychological abuse, as well as being a victim to childhood sexual exploitation, and intimate partner rape, being left immobile leaves me feeling very unsafe. Severing my deltoid ligament left me in a boot for over a year and having to undergo surgery. This injury robbed me of my safety and normalcy. It prevented me from accessing my providers and utilizing my healthy coping mechanisms. I still have nightmares about this. It triggered my PTSD, and was the start of my deteriorating health, both physical and psychological.
PTSD already triggered, COVID hits. I’m injured, immobile, feeling unsafe, and working as a front line Trauma Therapist through an unprecedented global trauma. Never closed my doors, except for surgery, and days where the pain, be it physical or psychological, was too much. This was not a political statement, but rather what I felt was my duty as a Trauma Therapist during a global trauma: Showing up for my clients. This first injury, right before COVID, started a series of events I had no control over, and is an experience I still struggle to put words too.
Next, PTSD already triggered, I have to face forced injections, and loss of bodily autonomy, while already dealing with loss of bodily mobility. I am pro-choice on all bodily autonomy issues (abortion, sex-change, medical issues unless there is a illness with a 35% mortality rate, as I Trust God and my body he made, and because my one and only flu shot triggered incurable autoimmune disorders ). I was thrown into survival mode.
Fast Forward: September 2021 I go to Utah for a training retreat to try and relax and rejuvenate, learn, and connect with colleagues. While there, I’m left bloodied & bruised by a Brazilian waxer, who, despite my pleas to stop, wouldn’t stop waxing me. October 2021 I disclose publicly my history of being a victim of childhood sexual exploitation (my mom married our welfare worker). October 15th 2021 I was in a hit and run. January 31st 2022, I find an illegal forwarder on my home internet line. Once I did research on what the device was, and confirmed with professionals that I was hacked, I reported this to the Woolwich non-emergency number, on 2.22.22, and to my former clients. 2.25.22 I fell 12-15 feet through my ceiling at work, while checking to make sure there was not an illegal forwarder on that line too.
This fall broke my left tibia eminence, with an ACL Avulsion, and shattered my right heel in three places. The trauma center I was taken to, after being told by the ER doc to get me to a room and on pain medication stat, wheeled my bed to a remote hallway and left me there for hours alone, immobile, in a neck brace, awful pain, and scared. I kept telling them my PTSD was flared with physical injuries, and that I was a victim of severe abuse. I begged them for help. Eventually I had to call 911 from the ER to get help. I was in 3 hospitals, and left temporarily wheelchair bound for months.
The third hospital, after my knee surgery, refused to let me leave unless I had a caretaker to take care of me. Again, they knew my history. I told them I didn’t want anybody in my home, due to my past history. Because I didn’t want a caretaker, the Dr at the hospital tried to psychiatrically commit me. I Called 911 again and left the day after surgery. Being forced to have a caretaker also led to a series of unfortunate events.
On top of trying to heal & chronic pain, I furiously tried to get help for this cyber attack to no avail. The detective at the Office of Internal Affairs, told me to call the FBI, as they may “entertain me,” and that I had no proof. Yet I have multiple computer professionals, and emails from apple confirming it. Not one detective from any local agency has contacted me.
I have lived in fear & feeling unsafe in my home since 12.22.20. This was made worse July 2021, when I was made aware of domestic abuse happening by my neighbor, watching her partners gun being removed from the home, her calling the police for help, and telling me he was refusing help.
April 2022 I was falsely civilly charged by my neighbor for harassment, as I called about my contact details being changed for a pizza delivery & my order history being deleted when i tried to log in. I never spoke to my neighbors about this, just reported my concern to the police. I have had 4 court dates, wrote multiple emails to the Gloucester County Prosecutor’s Office, spoke to multiple lawyers, & yet, still no one can tell me, what the probable cause was that warranted these civil complaints being issued. At the 4th court date on 8.24.22, I again begged to go trial, and was told by the prosecutor, through my public defender Christopher Ross, that the prosector told him she had the right to do what she wanted, including dismissing the charges without a trial, as it is the State versus Me. I’m at a loss, and deeply confused.
I am a 49 year old unmarried, single, childless (by choice), woman, who has worked my whole life to overcome the system I was born into and learned. I was born a month premature, was in and out of foster care under the age of 5, overcame multiple learning disabilities and selective mutism, am the first in my immediate family to graduate high school, & earn an advanced degree. All I ever wanted to do was help others and myself.
My former clients, (regardless of ending or their intentions) and my practice are, and have been, been my surrogate family. My clients healed me more than they will probably ever realize.The silver lining in all this, I have grown. I continue to grow. I recognize new opportunities for change and growth, both personally and professionally. I have proven, as have other former clients and humans, that you can heal and overcome addictions.
I continue my practice of deep personal reflection, albeit at times deeply painful. I have some changes to make. One of my next changes and challenges, is figuring out how to make my former counseling services available to more people. I feel shame as I reflect back on my original mission, and yet, after more reflection, I realize it’s not my shame to carry, it’s the medical and health insurance companies shame. As a single professional woman, thats committed to quality care through personal and professional growth, I can’t afford to operate any other way snd survive as well!
Intuitive Survivor Rendered Disabled – Shadow-Informed Holistic Healer Blog
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Beautiful work. Kind People. Service Mission Driven, not profit, what more could you ask for?? Passion for creating opportunities for other to feel, all feelings, tonic, toxic, and all the shades of gray in between. Mission in life as a human; to serve, maintain and instill hope, AND, to create, through divinely supplied introductions and conflicts that lead to mutual growth, as many emotionally safe environments, connections, experiences, and people as God guides me to. I am a healer. That is my God given gift, that is how I know my practice, former professional licenses, former clients, and myself are protected.
For me personally, and formerly professionally, it is folks and missions, that operate on hope and faith, while remaining true to their core values, and service to God above all else, that restore my faith and humanity, especially during times where circumstances, and/or unseen forces, work extra hard to nefariously destroy great, albeit imperfect, (as all self-aware, organizations and people know and admit too.) organizations rooted in structure, faith and healing, rather than the very outdated medical, pharmacological, legal, and judicial systems designed for profit, and financial gain for few, at the demise of many.
Seems to me, ever since insurance companies started dictating what doctors, (listed in order of importance), who are the ones that used to be able to get know, and for all intent purposes based on current medical model, do know their patients best, AND are the professionals, that used to be able to prescribe the medication they thought best. Now with insurance companies, driven by profit and not care, dictating prescribing practices, which by the way, certainly does not follow the Hippocratic oath, Homicide, Suicide, Overdoes, Violence, Imprisonment, Divide, and Disconnection (to name a few) are all on the rise.
As a person who has overcome "mental illness," aka, learned and blindly imitated, chronic, and adaptive behaviors, reactions, emotions, routines, thought patterns and feelings, necessary to NOT die, and repeatedly utilized to survive, prior to development of abstract thinking, I can tell you, ""Mental "Illness," IS merely our body's final attempt to alert one personally, and broadcast to caring others, that one is either currently, and/or has in the past, been victimized by trauma. Knowing and understanding the Intentionality and reasons, and whomever/whatever responsible taking full, genuinely felt accountability and responsibility, the "cure" aka, catalyst for self-healing!"" ©KO.
I AM, among many things, and parts (dictated by the behaviors and actions of those around me, and the environment I'm in), A very intuitive Trauma Kid dressed as adult. This is the "gift" if you will, well, at least for me, when you are consistently exposed to severe abuse as a child, especially between birth and 7 years of age, while never knowing almost zero psychological or physical safety. The foundation to connect safely and genuinely with others happens in two ways as I have learned personally. One you grew up "psychologically privileged©," meaning you had at least one, primary, consistent, reliable, safe connection to a caretaker, that was able to comfortably provide and meet, without having to work three jobs, all of your primary, psychological, physical, material, and connection needs, or two, you found your way to an objective third parties, or party, as an adult that was able to help you "see" your learned, often repeated (except in cases of sexual abuse, key word being often. Most that were physically or psychologically abused blindly repeat the abuse to themself and others. A good bit of Children, that were victim to early childhood sexual abuse (depending on type, who, and chronicity), do NOT go on to repeat these behaviors. I can tell you, personally speaking, those feelings, the adults that perpetrated on caused me to feel, mostly after, not during, as most of my abusers were known adults that I still love, I never would, or could, intentionally do that to someone. Gratefully, I have never had a sexual attraction to a child, nor ANY desire to EVER perpetrate for that matter.
I know medication both personally and professionally, I feel comfortable pointing out the obvious connection...AMERICA, WE DID NOT have school shootings when doctors had their rightful power to make medical and pharmacological, decisions for their patients.Prior to this, we also had connection, time, patience, caring, and grace for one another. As a former pharmacologically injured person, from both the manual flu delivery, and years of anti-depressants, I am so grateful my doc finally recognized my ADHD and fought for me!
Alas, I digress again. God, triumphs and prospers, all those humans and systems rooted in him. We Christians may not all agree on bodily autonomy issues, but no two people are going to agree on ALL medical, legal, political, religious, financial, and/or judicial issues. These issues are the test of your true faith to God. My Spiritual God does not endorse acting (not feeling), intentionally on hate, vengefulness, spite, or engineered entrapment.
Looking forward to supporting humanity and humane organizations, born of structure, for decades to come! I chose New Jersey as my home state because of those I love, and was blessed, grateful, and fortunate to work with, until I was purposefully rendered disabled on many levels. When one is rendered disabled on many levels at once, that's how one can almost be sure, there are forces designed of system (Toxic Intent), not structure (Tonic Intent), at play. I say "play" because I learned most systems are playing, meaning they learned from a young age, due to trauma, to value acquisition of, and connection to, things, rather than people. Those from psychological privilege, learn to value and maintain connections to people, not things. This one component is necessary for a psychologically, relationally, successful life. Some define a successful person as one that has has acquired acquisition of numerous material things, while others define a successful human person as one that has fostered and maintained connections to people, while having little desire for numerous material things. I have learned the materially successful world is rigged, just like my eyes have been heartbreakingly opened to so many rigged systems.
Those few in high power, and of great wealth, privatize and monetize, healing and punishment, under the pretense of the "American" Medical, Judicial and Legal System!! Let me tell ya, this isn't the America I know and believe in. African Americans, very sadly, terribly, and heartbreakingly so, were the guinea pigs for how to cripple America's infrastructure. They endured unfathomable abuse, the likes of which, (while I can relate to being abused) I can never fully understand, as I didn't experience that form, of abuse, let alone, consistent, nefariously designed, collective level of brainwashing and gaslighting. I was made to believe, through years of childhood abuse and brainwashing, that being blonde, tall, green-eyed, slender, and attractive, that everyone would automatically hate me, set up, betray, slander, hurt, use, and try to kill me because of it.
I watched as my younger sisters, especially my youngest, were severely emotionally shamed for wanting to eat carbs/unhealthy foods, and god forbid past a certain time. At my 40th birthday I was publicly shamed for wanting another piece of birthday cake.
And now I'm exhausted and done for the day. To be continued....Sorry to stop abruptly, and not edit my work. I publish, then edit... I believe in letting others witness and know my process and imperfections.
As all those that strive to consistently act Christ like, know, seen, and believe...Evil is not match for God and his Team, both here on earth, and in heaven! God Prospers People, people don't prosper people!
Opportunities from The Day That Led to The Creation of Today's Blog Post:
Woke up coughing and sick this morning which made me have to cancel my doctor's appointment with my orthopedic, that I have been desperately looking forward to for two weeks, as the chronic pain and chronic immobility is taking a toll on me.
Text exchange with personal landlord. Rent, Utilities, Cyber, Court, PTSD, Electrician being here yesterday and internet going crazy. Couldn't do the number calculations he wanted me to do due to being sick and exhausted.
CARES ACT calling to help me as I maintained employment mostly the whole pandemic, despite severing my right deltoid ligament: 18665254855
Phone call I've been trying to accomplish for weeks about by one credit card account. Found out upsetting information about credit history.
Texts from a couple former clients expressing their well wishes and concern.
I HATE not being able to connect, and truthfully, I really do need time to heal. It makes me question all those I have told, especially my former professional connections, that I am disabled, struggling greatly, and unable to work, due to nefarious forces, whatever/whoever they may be, purposefully rendering me disabled, that still reach out, and try to get me to engage with them professionally, knowing that my licenses are inactive. This feels like entrapment to me. This feeling and doubt, which was never there previously, and if it ever was, it was able to be communicated about, hurts me deeply. I am not talking about the former professional affiliations that reach out with extenuating circumstances, and apologize profusely for doing so, while expressing genuine concern for me, but those that have reached out for things they have done in the past for themselves, and told me about, without my help.
Processing flashbacks and memories from exchange with electrician, frog bathing suit, swept away by current, almost drowning, tire swing not being secured, and me, as the child being guinea pig, possible twin in ocean (doesn't need to make sense to anyone but me now, no energy to explain), R & D Lesson,
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Intuitive Survivor Rendered Disabled 